Monday, January 24, 2011

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." — Mark Twain


This one is for you Rimly, thank you for understanding me, and just being there for me….love you sweetheart.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gainman

My sweet friend Rimly Bezbaruah, gave this quote to me and asked me to write on it…though she is a superb writer herself and I am sure she can do more justice to this….“Never let someone be your priority, while you remain their option,” it really struck a chord for me. In my life, I have made a lot of people my priority, sometimes to my deficit. Their needs came first, their wants came first, and sometimes if their needs and wants were too much, I would just stop thinking about myself. Every time I was romantically involved, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that the guy was a priority to me, above all (not really a good thing).  I do think that some of this comes from me wanting everyone to like me, and approve of me, and me being a big people pleaser, plus I am a giver.... and giving of my heart is included.

Today, I feel like I am an option to just about everybody, the only person that I think I am a priority to, is my Mom.  And, of course I am not a priority to my daughter, she is MY priority and I am her option, isn't that what we are trying to do for our children, teach them so that we don't have to be a priority in their lives and they can do for themselves.  I don't know whether my friends think that I am a priority to them…I know I am going to be kicked by some for this….sorry, but to most I am definitely sure, they consider me an option. Now, onto the greatest highlighter for me, I was never even a priority to my husband. I think I was when we were courting, but I haven't been one in a long time. From the beginning of our marriage, I tried to make him my number one priority, anyone new to marriage has a lot to learn, about not being selfish or self-centered, and though I am basically not a selfish person, even I learned some lessons about that.
Through the almost 15 years of our marriage, I did my best to make him my priority, and I definitely have been there, WHENEVER he has needed me in whatever way possible, (in good times and in bad and even in worse, in sickness and in health) and What I have struggled within my marriage to him, is that he has a mentality, (which I think he grew up with) that if I don't look out for myself, I am not going to get my fair share or no one else will. Therefore, I was not the priority in his life, and he has made sure that everything is even and fair and he isn't missing out or being taken advantage of. This has really broken me because if he thought that I am the type of person who would not be fair, would take advantage of him, HE NEVER KNEW ME AT All.
So, I am back to the topic - I am an option not a priority to just about everyone in my life.  And sometimes, I would like to be a priority in someone's life (besides my mother).  It actually rips me apart when I think about it, what wrong did I do to deserve this?

It takes two to make a relationship work and blossom into a beautiful thing. Everyone deserves to feel loved and respected, and there are really no excuses for making someone feel they have to chase after you….you should just let them go and stop wasting each others time. There are abusive people, ignorant and hurtful people, selfish and narcissistic beings and generally people have this sense they should be catered to.
I think we have all been through this sometime or the other in life, with hindsight, I would now keep my heart in my pocket and slowly take it out, and reveal it to someone who is worthy, its so easy to rush in a relationship especially when the attraction is (appears) mutual .The bible says, 'the heart is desperate', isn’t that so true!! That’s why you should slow down, don’t give too much, as it may frighten off the very one it yearns for. Because you appear so intense, if you pursue this person any further who probably is not worthy of you, it will just stab you all over with pain, and believe me, emotional wounds hurt much more than a physical ones. There are people who do collect hearts solely for their ego, some can be charming and clever, and may make you feel special , but don’t give your time to some one who has you in a queue, when you need a friend, they will be to busy for you ….. It has it taken me 15 years to find out; I hope it doesn’t take you that long.
Life is too short to waste time, energy and make someone your priority while you don't even exist on their list of priorites. We should use our energy ONLY on someone who make the same efforts like us. How much precious time have we wasted on someone, and they aren't even aware as to how much you have worked hard to make things work, and then at the end, look at you as if you're crazy or intense? Don’t accept less than what you deserve, and weed out the ones who only care about their own needs being met. “A relationship should complement, not complicate.” What a difference it makes when you’re surrounded by only those who bring out the best in you.
Because there is a population of soft hearted folks that put 100% into relationships...it becomes one sided while the other person is still looking...The old game, "What can you do to keep me with you?" ....physically there...physically giving themselves to you...but emotionally cheating…can't commit and appreciate what is given to them at the present. 
I have let lots of people do lots of things to me over the course of my life... Friends, lovers, acquaintances...
I treasure every interaction and experience... I learned something from the best and the worst of them also
.
Someday, I would like to have the type of love with someone, where I KNOW I am a priority to him.
Life isn't about what people can do for you, but what you can do for people. Yes, it would be a lovely world if you could just ask what you can do for another person, but at some point, if they aren't doing anything for you, wouldn't you feel just a bit used?




Copyright@Motifs2011

Labels: priority,complement,relationship,option

43 comments:

  1. You are doing great sweetheart, improving your style, and I know you will find all the happiness you deserve.

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  2. Appreciation can make a day - even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.Margaret Cousins
    You rock...its beautiful.

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  3. Its very touching, and you have struck the right chord...keep going.

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  4. "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."....You fascinate me even more..........

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  5. Very true, quite an inspirational post that teaches us one of the most valuable lessons of life..:)

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  6. Such an insightful post! I know just how this works...and see the quagmire of these pains I put myself through. Perhaps, it is a natural thing for women to give priority and for men to have options. I would wish for that to change. For YOU, for ME, for all those people who have been giving and hurting so long. You deserve better from life. For a change, make YOURSELF your priority as well. We don't need someone else for this...yes we do...no we don't ...it's an unending debate but truth us...even if we can stand on our own two feet and consider ourselves priority...for US, it is always nice to have someone who DOES GIVE A DAMN!
    Love n Hugs
    Sandy

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  7. This is really well written.....every woman should realize her worth...
    Keep up the good work...I want to see many more of these beautifully written stuff
    Take care.

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  8. Gosh, Alpana. I had a lump in my throat as I read your blog. Words escape me...

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  9. So true what you have said Alpana. Its priority to head someone's priority list. I am sure you are priority to many - you just don't know it yet. You are definitely priority in the club : ) Hugs to you...

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  10. Mishtu GuhathakurtaJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:34 AM

    ‎@Alpana- wah ustaad wah..how brilliantly put!!! absolutely hundred percent agree..

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  11. Awesome;really well portrayed.......God bless.

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  12. Keep the Faith…ALWAYS…..and you will see the footsteps next to yours. Whenever there’s only one set….be sure HE was carrying you then!!Keep writing...you are a winner.

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  13. Alpana, great topic n a very well written post..love the opening quote.

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  14. We womans give the power2 the males 2 show hw poor we are!!!But pls dnt forget..we are the 1 who gives birth 2 a new lyf..when God has given us the pover 2 generate a new lyf, whosays we are weak!!!We are the shadow of Goddess Durga,maa kaali,maa saraswati,maa annapurna..the list never ends...Cheer up ladies...we have the power of universe...JAIHIND!!!

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  15. Worth reading shall try to visit you often.hey there is something, as good EQ tips. followed you.

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  16. A very important lesson. Thanks for sharing.

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  17. You have a great knack of voicing what others are thinking.. interesting read I started following!

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  18. Read your Blog last night and must say you are a prolific writer! I was also shaken up by some of your observations on human relationships. Keep it up and look forward to reading more....

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  19. "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

    A line that I am going to remember the rest of my life.It's so nicely written and explores the darkest corners of human ralationships.I like your writing and will visit more often.Started following.

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  20. To the point and absolutely true.

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  21. Thank you everyone..sorry for not thanking you individually...this means a lot to me..please do keep on reading,your comments keep me going.

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  22. Loved your post!very insightful....
    I agree with this one : Life isn't about what people can do for you, but what you can do for people

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  23. Incidently,I came acroos your blog.Real heart touching lines but at the same time we shouldn't forget that life is a beautiful gift of god & its our choices from various options which define it. I have tried to explore relations evolved out of such choices in my book " So near yet too far"(The other side of extra marital affairs). But from a man's perspective. You can checkout my blog with same name or just the book itself.Your writing draw my attention as though pungent at some places , it seemed coming out of heart. Wish you all the best.

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  24. wow Alpana...its so true..
    especially it made me realize that I am priority to my mother...

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  25. I am lost for words Alpana! You always write from the heart and it is so easy to associate with the topics that you choose. Well done!!!

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  26. I'll bookmark this article. And I'll read this wonderful writing again. Loved it to the core. There's a whole lot of insight in this one. Thank you for writing this piece of note. I totally second you.

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  27. Truths that if not grasped can lead to a difficult life of always giving and never receiving. Relationships are definitely a two-way street. I pray for you to have peace always and fruitful relationships.

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  28. Some things are inconsolable and most of the times, we drain our energies focusing on just one person or thing. I have to ask my self several times, if I am that miserable...so poor... as not to have somebody else love me as passionately as I do.

    And at night, when everything else is so silent, I hear that gentle voice that tells me I am loved. I am God's priority... and that is my only comfort.

    There is somebody out there who loves you Alpana...

    I am always...always spiritually near...

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  29. I'm not here to delineate men and women's priorities but women's hearts rule while men, their mind. Men always have to be in control of situations---always trying to be a hero.

    You are a very strong woman Alpana. You deserve better.

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  30. If we give all we have we get hurt, if we expect return on what we give we're self-centered. Love is complicated, life is complicated and God knows people are complicated. There is no easy answers or a magic wand to make someone care like we do. I believe we give all we can give to each and every person because we will get it back when it's all said and done. In my life I don't even think about who cares about me like I do them I just keep giving...my love can never run out. Maybe it's because I knew at a very young age that nothing is fair so I can't possibly set myself up for failure. Sure I have been burned many many times by people including my husband of almost 17 years but, I keep giving until I die and hope that my beliefs and love shown will pan out in the next life. Or maybe I am just an masochist who thinks I deserve everything I have received in this life. I don't know but, in my life everyone I am acquainted with will always get 100% of me because for me nobody is a priority over another and nobody is an option either, they're just a part of my being.

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  31. “…weed out the ones who only care about their own needs being met.” Ah yes girlfriend, tell it like it is!
    “I learned something from the best and the worst of them also.” Right on: live and learn. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

    All too many women are disillusioned with men because they were first under the illusion that adoration from the man would complete them. That’s the problem. We learn the most difficult lessons through our relationships. One reason is that we are always attracting, and attracted to, mirrors that reflect an aspect of ourselves we need to look at honestly. It’s never the other that will fulfill us, but the realization of our own worth in God’s eyes. When we’re seeking any other creature to complete us, we are destined for disillusionment.

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  32. Picture abhi baaki hain mere dost :)...you will not have an unhappy ending....love ya, hugs!!

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  33. We should be a priority to ourselves first.. take care of us first or we have nothing for anyone else...As always..XXOXOXOXO

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  34. Hello babes, reading this the second time and I still dont understand how my comment is not there. I agree with a lot who say that we need to make ourselves a priority then only we will not stand for becoming someone else's priority. We have talked about this before, what people do to us is because we allow it to happen to us. But I think you are on the right track now. I wish you love, fulfillment within you. Only you can complete yourself, you don't need anyone to complete you. Love you.

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  35. Hi Alpana -

    There are always going to be users, abusers, and selfish individuals whom take without giving. The majority is this way and will not change. Love is the answers, always. There are many types of love, yet loving others is what we must always do. Just an FYI - what most people call love, the kind between man and woman, is so not love at all. It's masked as being love but was merely some type of infatuation. I wish you peace of heart, spirit, and mind. :)

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  36. I'm at a loss for words. This is my life right now.....

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  37. Loved this post Alpana. Yeah there are people who keep u waiting in a que when u need them, but love is like a disease, even knowing this u fool yourself into believing that so and so may be busy or something....Love is a dope in which we deliberatey delude ourselves, for if we accept the truth we not only lose the relationship, we lose all our cherished moments with that person

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  38. loved this glad I found your blog........... I am going to make this my facebook status today because every now and again I think we all feel/felt as you do here in this post. I have been there....... just remember tho, you are DEFINITELY NOT the only person without a HAPPY ENDING I think most are in that same boat! friend me if you like! :)

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  39. Very nice.. deep and heartfelt... your article touched my soul!

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  40. Very Good and heart touching Article.I read, read and read again..... your articles touches my soul.....iam in the same boat but no one in this world to understand our own feelings....

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  41. This insightful post got me connected to you. Such beautifully written that I could not stop myself from commenting. Poured your heart out . It was like you wrote this on my behalf. God bless you stranger. May god give you all the happiness and bless u with a soul who would be worthy of your Intense passion and care.

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