Would it surprise you to know that many a times the expectations we have from others are born out of our own psyche, and has little to do with the person, we have them about?
Expectations in relationships can begin when we take our own ideals, standards, view of things and try to project it onto other people. We then anticipate that they will live in accordance with these standards. We may have a lot of expectations from them because we are emotionally dependent….lack self confidence and rely on others to fill the void of our unsatisfied needs….we are self critical as well.…though I feel the inner critic is the judge and jury of our behaviour. It is the part within us that is filled with mandates such as, ‘you ought to’, ‘you must’, ‘how could you’, ‘why didn’t you’ and so on. Often, instead of taking control of our inner critic, we project it onto others, sometimes using the same terminology.
Invariably unrealistic expectations are connected to issues of power, manipulations and control. Have you ever expected someone to be happy, sad, afraid, or in some other emotional state and have been surprised when they weren’t? After all that is what you would feel in the same situation, or maybe been confused….when you did something nice for someone and that you expected them to like, and they apparently weren’t showing enough enthusiasm.
As we project our life's views onto others, we are assuming that they think and feel in a similar way that you thought they might? It was something you would have appreciated someone doing it for you, so why didn’t they like it, you end up wondering. Eventually when someone close to us does something that appears in deep contrast with the standards we have associated with them…we then feel hurt, betrayed, angry, and confused.
The hard truth is that people show us exactly who they are, through their everyday behaviour.…we are actually aware of who they are at a deeper level within us. We need to stop fantasizing and pretending things that are not as we want it to be….stop filtering our thoughts and pay attention to reality, to what others think and feel, and how they behave. We have to acknowledge to ourselves, the truth of who they are as individuals.
Be real with the people in your life. Let them know who you really are, and how you truly feel. As you begin to see and accept them for who they authentically are, gently helps them to see through to their own mistaken assumptions and illusory identities they have built around you, to the real you as well the illusionary veil and stop the futile behaviour of projecting and expecting.
When we demonstrate the insight and courage to embrace the truth, along with finally putting an end to the pain of constantly being disappointed by unmet expectations of one another, our relationships have the opportunity to become rich in authenticity, trust, and deep emotional bonding. We must learn to distinguish between expectations and needs. Everyone has a need to be loved, to be understood, to be accepted and to be forgiven when necessary. When you know what you need from any relationship and can express those needs to others and be willing to allow them to love you the way they can, you will see a shift in your relationship that goes far beyond what you ever could have ever imagined.
Having realistic expectations for others involves realizing that all of us are less than perfect. Instead of looking to others to meet our needs, we must take responsibility for our own life and make necessary changes that are in our best interest. We must leave our self-blame behind and find ways to untwist our thinking and behavior to make our lives more fulfilling. It is important to value and accept our partners and friends for who they are. It is in our best interest not to spend our energy trying to change them to fit an image of what we believe we need and what they can provide for us.
“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.”
Copyrigth@Motifs2010Labels: Expectations, behaviour, reality
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