A Million Words Would Not Bring You Back, I Know Because I've Tried. Neither Would A Million Tears, I Know Because I've Cried.
Deep in my heart, I'm suffering, knowing that I've lost you. On the outside, I'm living, pretending that I've forgotten you. I feel as if I have lost everything important to me and I just don’t know what to do. Just the thought of imagining life without you, scares the hell out of me. Time and again, I try to convince myself that I can get through this, but the tears in my eyes, don’t ever seem to leave me. I ask myself as to whom I can trust, including myself, as I have lost something of my inner self....my will for living. I often wonder if trusting anyone is a wrong step. I even have second thoughts on getting close to anyone....the fear of loss is too over powering. I feel scared to trust again....anyone. Memories resurface from time to time and make adjustments that much more difficult. . Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I feel as if you are there, smiling back at me. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven....And bring you home again. No farewell words were spoken, you never even gave me time to say goodbye...you were gone before I knew it....right there before my eyes. How many times I have missed you, a million times I must have cried.... If love could have saved you.... you never would have died.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
--- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I get angry at myself for not preventing this loss....and at times I get angry with you, for deserting me. I blame many for not protecting you, and causing this to happen. I feel hurt and frustrated with this situation I am in, because I know I cannot change it. I feel isolated, helpless, and hopeless, unable to think how I am going to face the future.
Remembering people we love, who have died is one way to keep them a part of us. When someone we love dies, it hurts us. We feel sad that the person will no longer be around to talk to or to have fun with. That absence leaves a big hole in our lives. But just like when you skin your knee, the first, intense pain will go away after a while. It takes time for your knee to heal, but it hurts less and less each day. It's the same when somebody dies. That doesn't mean we forget or stop missing people who died. After a while, we can go back to our lives, still loving them and remembering them always.
What about me? After the loss of my Papa, I realized how temporary things are in life....it started making me think, “Will I die?” There are many things about death we do not know and may never know. We do know that it will happen, someday, to all of us. But now I have come to terms with the fact that I should not worry or wonder about it for very long. There are too many wonderful things to experience in the many, many years ahead. Papa would have wanted this for me.... Loosing him has been life changing, painful and heart sinking. It's so strange how you can be missing something and until you realize it, that's when it hurts you. The feeling of pain and loss of control, in my life has been very strong and it makes me feel powerless and empty. God loves us more than we are capable of loving others or ourselves; whose love is higher than the mountains and deeper than the seas. He’s our Heavenly Father who only wants the best for His children. So why, then, does tragedy strike? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does He allow things to happen that will cause difficulty and pain? Sometimes life doesn't make sense…death doesn’t make sense. I don’t know the answer to those questions, but I do know that God’s ways are sovereign and He truly is a loving God who desires nothing more than a strong relationship with us. I guess it hurts Him too, when bad things happen to us.
I now believe that I have my own personal power up there...to help me, guide me... through worst of times, always be with me, and also how he will go before me to make the way for what would be ahead. I know I am going to have difficulties and hardships, sad times, and bad days as I learn to live without the man I loved and knew as father; but I know he will be with me in all of those times. He will be my strength, the light in the darkest times, and the source of hope that will lead me to joy.
Things will never be the same as they were before, healing will happen gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Trying to ignore my pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. Crying doesn’t mean that I am weak....I don’t need to “protect” my family or friends by putting on a brave front. I need to know that grief changes through the years. It will change ME as well, influencing who I am in the present and affecting who I will be in the future. The death of this very special person will work through, adapt to, and integrate into my life, as different situations will require me to accommodate this loss again and again. I will re-visit my father's death continually as I grapple with its meaning- emotionally, socially, economically and spiritually- and as I struggle to find a place for him in my present and future life.
I know that death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. The bond I have with my Papa will stay with me just as long as I keep his memory alive in my mind and in my heart. He will always be my father and I will always be his daughter. I am taking comfort in knowing that, in a very real sense, my Papa is very much here with me now, wherever I may be. His spirit and his memory lives on in me, because I am so very much a part of him. When I really think about it, in many ways, I am more inseparable now than I was before, because I am not limited by space, time and distance.
Labels: Death, loss, father, memories, papa, life