Thursday, February 10, 2011

MY PAIN....MY LOSS....MY....FATHER

If I'm Going to Die Someday, What Should I Do Now?


A Million Words Would Not Bring You Back, I Know Because I've Tried. Neither Would A Million Tears, I Know Because I've Cried.
Deep in my heart, I'm suffering, knowing that I've lost you. On the outside, I'm living, pretending that I've forgotten you. I feel as if I have lost everything important to me and I just don’t know what to do. Just the thought of imagining life without you, scares the hell out of me. Time and again, I try to convince myself that I can get through this, but the tears in my eyes, don’t ever seem to leave me. I ask myself as to whom I can trust, including myself, as I have lost something of my inner self....my will for living. I often wonder if trusting anyone is a wrong step. I even have second thoughts on getting close to anyone....the fear of loss is too over powering. I feel scared to trust again....anyone. Memories resurface from time to time and make adjustments that much more difficult. . Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I feel as if you are there, smiling back at me. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven....And bring you home again.  No farewell words were spoken, you never even gave me time to say goodbye...you were gone before I knew it....right there before my eyes. How many times I have missed you, a million times I must have cried.... If love could have saved you.... you never would have died.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." 
--- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I get angry at myself for not preventing this loss....and at times I get angry with you, for deserting me. I blame many for not protecting you, and causing this to happen. I feel hurt and frustrated with this situation I am in, because I know I cannot change it. I feel isolated, helpless, and hopeless, unable to think how I am going to face the future. 
Remembering people we love, who have died is one way to keep them a part of us. When someone we love dies, it hurts us. We feel sad that the person will no longer be around to talk to or to have fun with. That absence leaves a big hole in our lives. But just like when you skin your knee, the first, intense pain will go away after a while. It takes time for your knee to heal, but it hurts less and less each day. It's the same when somebody dies. That doesn't mean we forget or stop missing people who died. After a while, we can go back to our lives, still loving them and remembering them always.

What about me? After the loss of my Papa, I realized how temporary things are in life....it started making me think, “Will I die?” There are many things about death we do not know and may never know. We do know that it will happen, someday, to all of us. But now I have come to terms with the fact that I should not worry or wonder about it for very long. There are too many wonderful things to experience in the many, many years ahead. Papa would have wanted this for me.... Loosing him has been life changing, painful and heart sinking. It's so strange how you can be missing something and until you realize it, that's when it hurts you. The feeling of pain and loss of control, in my life has been very strong and it makes me feel powerless and empty. God loves us more than we are capable of loving others or ourselves; whose love is higher than the mountains and deeper than the seas.  He’s our Heavenly Father who only wants the best for His children.  So why, then, does tragedy strike?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why does He allow things to happen that will cause difficulty and pain?  Sometimes life doesn't make sense…death doesn’t make sense.  I don’t know the answer to those questions, but I do know that God’s ways are sovereign and He truly is a loving God who desires nothing more than a strong relationship with us.  I guess it hurts Him too, when bad things happen to us.
  
I now believe that I have my own personal power up there...to help me, guide me... through worst of times, always be with me, and also how he will go before me to make the way for what would be ahead. I know I am going to have difficulties and hardships, sad times, and bad days as I learn to live without the man I loved and knew as father; but I know he will be with me in all of those times.  He will be my strength, the light in the darkest times, and the source of hope that will lead me to joy. 
Things will never be the same as they were before, healing will happen gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Trying to ignore my pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. Crying doesn’t mean that I am weak....I don’t need to “protect” my family or friends by putting on a brave front. I need to know that grief changes through the years. It will change ME as well, influencing who I am in the present and affecting who I will be in the future. The death of this very special person will work through, adapt to, and integrate into my life, as different situations will require me to accommodate this loss again and again. I will re-visit my father's death continually as I grapple with its meaning- emotionally, socially, economically and spiritually- and as I struggle to find a place for him in my present and future life.
 I know that death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. The bond I have with my Papa will stay with me just as long as I keep his memory alive in my mind and in my heart. He will always be my father and I will always be his daughter. I am taking comfort in knowing that, in a very real sense, my Papa is very much here with me now, wherever I may be. His spirit and his memory lives on in me, because I am so very much a part of him. When I really think about it, in many ways, I am more inseparable now than I was before, because I am not limited by space, time and distance.

Copyright@Motifs2011
Labels: Death, loss, father, memories, papa, life 


28 comments:

  1. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven....And bring you home again.....I wish if that can happen.Really touchy but practical lines in the post Alpana.Your father is with you always and so do we.....Takecare.

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  2. Very moving post we can feel your despair but also your understnading & hope. You are very gifted. I lost my mother many years ago and still think of her everyday

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  3. You have made me cry..I can feel your pain..

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  4. When God made you..he gifted you with a special touch..that could reach out and touch others..you are truly gifted and your father would have been proud of you today.

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  5. This is my first visit to your blog! I wish you the best....

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  6. It's so unbearably painful losing the ones we love to death, especially our parents. I think many can relate to this post, it's grief it's sorry and also the hope it offers. Beautiful post...so sorry for the lost of your father.

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  7. Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning...beautiful post..I can understand your pain.

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  8. I can't bear the thought of you in pain or in tears...life has to carry on..I admire you for your strength and courage....

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  9. Alpana

    sad to know about your loss. I can understand your state of mind. .its very tough to think life without the moral support and presence. of papa.
    we all know to every start their is a stop and their us a interval between life inning which comes to all which is universal..only what we hv is precious memories..to cherish lifetime. .and will act as springboard..in life...
    your papa. .will be looking. .and protecting you all.

    Take care

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  10. Alps...Gud work on the blog:)

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  11. Alpana - this was heartbreaking - I love how you started it - If I'm Going to Die Someday, What Should I Do Now? - Life is really fragile and fickle - all her now and nothing after... Dad's with you every step of the way - he will be your strength forever...

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  12. i could feel your pain. whatever may happen But life should go on. and develop the strength from the pain which builds positive energy in you.

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  13. "I am more inseparable now than I was before"...TRUE LOVE dosn't know boundaries, rules...it trascends time and space.....we cannot avoid sad events from happening...pains, sufferings are here just to make us stronger than before, are here just to foster our spirit....therefore go ahead with the conviction that your Papa is here with you more than He has ever done before!

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  14. I am sorry for your lose and the pain that surrounds you. Your post touch my heart: )

    Jessica

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  15. Just like to quote Ahbisek- "Your father is with you always...."
    Part of him lives on in you, for you to live up to.

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  16. This is the most awe inspiring post i've read about 'loss'. As a life coach i could not with my learnt skills create as an impacting piece as this. Others in your situation, that mourning their lose, could only be inspired by your words. FANTASTIC!

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  17. A very moving post. My heart goes out to you. I see a hidden strength that is waiting to emerge.

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  18. Cry as often as you feel you must. Live in the knowledge of the love you had with a special man you call Papa.

    Peace

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  19. Alpana,

    Your post brought back memories of my dear dad, you have penned down your thoughts so beautifully and truthfully. Father-daughter bond is for life and beyond, they never stop loving each other. great writing....

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  20. this is exactly how i feel losing my mother but could never express the loss so beautifully..

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  21. So poignant & beautiful Alpana..one can never get over the loss of a loved one..keep writing..you express yourself so well.

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  22. A beautiful post Alpana.
    Your father is looking at you right now and every second and is so happy with you. Believe.
    Carry on and be strong.

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  23. Everyone has to deal with loss in their own way and their own time. I lost my mother in 1995. I was 5 mths pregnant with her first grandchild. It was a high risk pregnancy and the doctor almost didn't let me go to her funeral. But I did, had minor complications, but I knew if I hadn't gone I wouldn't ever be able to live with that. She died unexpectedly and I never got the chance to say good bye. I do feel that she is still with me each day of my life. We were very close and there are times, 16 yrs later, that I find myself turning to start a conversation with her and breaking down in tears. No one can ever take that bond away from you.
    I still have my father, 88 y.o., and he lives with our family. He has since one year after my mother's passing. I count my blessings that he is still alive and my children have grown up hearing his stories and such. I try to make sure that I tell him every day how I feel because I know how quickly someone can be removed from your life.

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  24. Thank you everyone for your love and support...and the words of praise..hope to do justice to everything I attempt...looking forward to your visits here.

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  25. "Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." Look up every evening and the star you feel glittering the most could be him looking at you, smiling and letting you know that he is with you always.
    "Tears are God’s gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow." ~Rita Schiano

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  26. Than you Suman...with friends like you..I will be fine.

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  27. Hi Alpana -

    I appreciate how you say death does end a life but it doesn't end the relationship. I witnessed my father expire early on the morning my Chicago Bears won the superbowl back on January 26th, 1986. He died on a temporary hospice bed in the center of our living room.

    Hi death was unfortunate for a number of personal reasons, largely because I did not have a good relationship with my dad. We were at odds with each other. He didn't understand me and I didn't understand him. He surely loved me to no end, I love him as well. We just couldn't communicate.

    Today, I have witnessed my relationship with my deceased father improving dramatically. I visit both he and my mother's graves often. I remember them both well and they live within me each day of my life. I don't think much of what I can say here to you will ease your pain or suffering. I am me and you are you. God Bless you Alpana. :)

    https://charlienitric.wordpress.com/

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