Monday, April 4, 2011



It’s not an easy position to be in. Most likely, you didn’t plan on it, and weren’t thrilled that it happened. It has, and even though you may feel you’ve made a mistake, it’s not that easy to correct. If you are finding yourself confused, upset, or feeling horrible about your relationship, you need to ask yourself some questions. Before you can decide what to do, you need to take a good, long look at yourself and figure out how you got yourself into this situation. Remember to be honest with yourself– there is no point in lying to yourself, somewhere down inside you know the truth. 
She is a woman just like any one of us. She has been married and divorced. I know what most of you are thinking, ‘what a slut,’ ‘a home-wrecker’. But here’s the thing – just because she is in a relationship with a married man, does not automatically make her a terrible person. While in many ways it is completely justified to talk badly about the woman on the other side, it is unfair to put all the blame on the “other woman,” especially without hearing their side of the 

story too.
She could be the nicest woman you could ever meet; in fact, you might have met her.... This is the only part of her life that can't be admired, that can't be examined, and that can't be discussed out loud. It's the only part of her life for which she sometimes doesn't respect herself and it keeps her miserable, even when she is  happy, because she know whatever happiness she has is stolen and illegitimate. She is not a fool, even though at times she know that she is acting like one.
At the risk of becoming the most hated woman in polite company, lets tell you about being the other woman. She never set out to become her; she has no intention of breaking down a marriage and, for heavens sake, wouldn't ever consider manipulation techniques like a Fatal Attraction-styled woman to “get” the man. In fact, their years-long romance began innocently enough via Face book. Yes, she knew he was married, with children. And yes, she thought herself strong enough not to fall for the temptation. And yes, she was wrong! Chemistry is a difficult thing to put your finger on…why you are attracted to one person, and not another.... 
They say that adventure lends to spicing up a relationship, or in her case, creating one where none really existed. One cannot say why, only that is was so. She got into this relationship, faster than you could say “off limits.” She is a normal human being, who needs love and affection….She fell head-over-heels in love with him, think-about-him-every-second-of-every-day kind of like him. But you know the feeling and I know you've felt it too, you just need to be with that person no matter what.

Life, it has a way of changing your mind, it can change, your thoughts, emotions, ideals. She never in her wildest dreams thought that I ME.... be engrossed, with a married man? Not ME
When she first talked to him, she felt heat rush through her. Her heart fluttered...he took her breath away with his smile. She could actually taste the sweetness of his lips without him touching her at all, she could feel the warmth of his body, even when he was not with her.
(No- this is still NOT about SEX but, human comfort and solace!), it’s an easy familiarity in the open with the man she had grown to adore and care about over the last several years. He is known and comfortable to her, not just the caring and loving parts, but as a great human being. A relationship is finding a mutual way to navigate those bumps with respect, understanding and love. One of the reasons she grew to care about him so much was his way of treating her as a woman, drawing her out of her shell, in general, he made her a new person all over again.
In her journey through life, she has been trying to seek fulfillment. One of the best ways to seek it is sharing that special bond with someone for whom she has passion. And she managed to find it with a man who will never commit entirely to her. ...She has come to accept his limitations, his privacy….

There's definitely SANITY on THIS side of the affair. He's working his issues out, and so is she. They will see if there's a future, and what is destined to happen will certainly take place, but she has really learned A WHOLE LOT about herself and her weak areas that she probably wouldn’t have learned in a more "conventional" relationship.
She is happy and to a certain extent satisfied, she tries to think in this way that at least she has someone who loves her and has made her fully realize self love, she is more confident, can make decisions on her own….and she owes this to him, his
 effect on her. 
But there are times when she questions herself time and again…Am I really that happy? I dig deep and think about how I feel on a day to day basis. Am I worrying, fretting, depressed, mood swinging, uncertain, miserable, confused, desperate, too dependent? Has my life really been that enhanced? Do I really believe he’ll be mine? Do I believe everything he’s told me? Is this how I saw myself?

Labels: Woman, other, love, relationship
Picture Courtesy: Google Images


  1. There is life in every word here...a master piece.

  2. Nobody could have written it better than you, sweetheart. So honest and so heart wrenching, you explained it all. I know we discussed this earlier. I wanted you to write it. I have always felt that people always blame the other woman for falling in love with a married man. What they dont see is that there had to be something going totally wrong in that marriage for the man or the woman to seek fulfillment elsewhere. But then it is all a matter of perception. Loved it Alpana. Thank you sharing.

  3. I must admit I really like the way you put your words together Alpana expressing every points you want to put across to your readers.... And yeah, we do understand this kind of situation. Think about it, if you're happy with what you've entered into and that it's not causing you any troubles or stepping other people's shoes, then perhaps the world will not judge you bitterly..... Thank you for sharing and love reading this....;)

  4. "why regret anything that makes us smile".....loved it alpana.

  5. Alpana,
    What courage it took to write this piece for the world to see. I think it is a great perspective for us to see. We tend to hate "the other woman" for "stealing our man" away.
    Please protect your heart from being crushed often times the other woman is the one that gets crushed in these types of relationships.

  6. Wow! This is a wonderful post. I loved it, the honestly put up words, the simplicity of emotions. Thanks for writing it

  7. nice one and looks like she is happy even though she might be confused!

  8. "when smoke begins to fade
    and you are standing face to face
    does he kiss you in the way to say
    you are the other woman
    the other way"

    on the auspicious occasion of NAVARATRI i see you are fully blessed by the power of MA DURGA. i can say nothing more just that my admiration is in leaps and bounds as i read you more.

  9. Frane BhattacharyaApril 4, 2011 at 6:00 PM

    Really liked it. so honest , and it could happen to just anyone . I always think that those termed as "The other woman" are generally people with a lot of love and warmth to offer , no wonder someone gets attracted to them . besides if its happening then there's something wrong which makes the man look elsewhere for comfort and companionship.

  10. My 5th attempt to post a comment. So here is how I feel about this...and I hope the person you have worked this piece for derives some solace out of it.
    There is no reason to ever allow anyone to make you lose your self-esteem in your own eyes. We all are struggling but we all have this one life and we are doing the best we believe we can.
    Read this - I want to share this on I wrote and you know where I have possibly been.

  11. Alpana, this was a powerful post and took a lot of courage to put it out for the public to read.
    We are not always in control of our 'heart' and 'feeling' no matter how hard we try. Sometimes, things just happen, whether right or wrong.

  12. I know I know I'm a dude I'm breaking a dude law right now by commenting in this cat fest, but sheesh. I don't understand why anyone would get into this situation. It's a major problem with Americans. If the person is taken then stay away. Off limits. It's not just the girls fault no. It's the guys fault too. Come on girls. Don't be that gullible. You really think you're that special? He will do the same thing to you, when someone else comes along.

  13. Alpana, you are courageous to put your heart out there for all to see. I can't say I necessarily agree with those who involve themselves with others who are married, but I think our society tends to put most of the blame on them...which is unfair...the spouse who chooses to stray has to be held accountable as well for his/her actions and really, to me, is more accountable than the person he/she is having an affair with.

    You have a beautiful heart...protect it and know that there is no limit to your are precious...just make sure no matter who you are with makes you feel that way, because you deserve no less :)

  14. I am not one to judge...nor should anyone else.....anyone who judges should first take a look at themselves......a relationship is just that a relationship......each one of us has to deal and look at our own hearts.....Great post ...As always...XOXOXO

  15. wow Alpana gr88 post...
    any woman can relate to it...

  16. oh alpana... my mind tells me of my convictions and principles in life as an advocate for women's rights and dignity...

    it isn't wrong to love... but i pray for one's inner freedom to do so...

    what gives you true peace? that holds the key...

    the twist here is... i fell for a man who though wasn't married was living in with somebody else... i didn't know he was until his friends told me...

    i was the "other woman"... i forgot my principles for a while... geez... it was a real struggle...

    but prayers awakened me to reality that he wasn't and will never be mine...
    (he was the winter of my heart)...

    i always wanted his happiness... and that meant even if i were not part of it...

    i let him go...

    now choices are to be made... and it has to be you deciding for yourself...

    just listen to what your heart is truly telling you... the answer always lies within...

  17. this song to me says it all. Brave and splendid post ;)

  18. Nicely done Alpana - there always is some justification in a person't act. That does not make anyone bad or good. There sometimes is a good reason why the man strayed or what made the "other woman" give in to him. There is a lot beneath the surface.

  19. I found this intriguing and accurate in some cases, very few cases but, still. You can't blame a woman who gets involved with a man when he keeps his marriage a secret. But, a woman who knows should have enough respect for herself, the wife and the other man to just walk away and stay away.

    Relationships all have problems, some men don't do their part and the wife does it all while he is out shopping for something to do to make up for the fact he has to be responsible.

    The truth is many people blame the wife for not doing her "job" in the marriage when more than likely it is the man who isn't doing his. I'm not bashing men here, I am a married woman 17 yrs this Sept, he has never been unfaithful with another human, he has however avoided many of his husbandly and fatherly duties because of some insecure caveman-like misconceptions he was raised with.

    The reason the other woman gets the bad attention is because she should have enough sense to look for a single man instead of thinking "if it's not me it will be another woman." That is if she KNOWS he is married.

  20. This happens mostly specially on net, it's really strange!.An attraction that takes us away , we don't have any control on our heart. ''Dil hai ki maanta nahi''.About this attraction I would say, that woman must have seen something special in that man ,that she never got in her entire life, that she was wishing for!
    Liked the way you represented it!

    Take care!
    Lot's of Love
    Simran :)
    I have an award for you !
    Do check it on my blog :) :)

  21. Closely resonates with my yday's post about love and illusion.

    Who attracts whom and at which phase of life is totally out of logic. There are many people who feel the attraction but keep it to themselves, killing all the passion - but yes, it could have saved another relationship. And yet others who nurture their owns and couldnt help affecting the other relationship. Its all a choice we make for ourselves and others.

    Appreciate your open heart and words. Good wishes!

  22. Alpana, if you are in Love, you are in love. When I commented on your other post, in no time did I hold you responsible or have any bad feelings towards you. We have all been there regardless of sex or not and those that say that haven't are lying.

    Don't stop living either as in, if you find someone else you fancy, don't hesitate as you are not cheating on anyone but a cheater.
    Be happy is my wish for you.

  23. U r an awesome writer, especially abt relationships and love.
    Always loves ur posts


  24. Very well written Alpu, and from the bottom of the heart....enjoyed reading it!

  25. I have been the other woman and it has tugged at my heart how others see me and judge me without knowing my story. Needless to say I have judged me and harsher then what others have done. Thank you for posting this.

  26. Great post!! I can relate to this in many ways.... We can't make the heart feel something it won't... and we can't make it stop feeling something it does...

    Never regret something that once made you happy! I said once to someone when she said to me "we were working it out" my reply was "well, if you were truly working it out then way was he there with her?" If its something "he didn't want" then it wouldn't have happened. Later she thanked me, telling me that "She" was working it out, while he had already moved on.

  27. One can never choose who we fall in love with. it is not easy on either side or person. great post

  28. Alpana...I was really touched by your post! I guess we are all guilty of judging people and we should be careful as we never know what life has in store for us! I wish you all the love but most of all PEACE and happiness... I have a friend who is the married man..and he has decided on the other he considers her to be the ONE!! He has lost a lot of friends along the way!! I do not know the other I cannot speak for her!! ..Be strong and try not to lose yourself... Huggs!

  29. DEAR Alpana it takes a big heart to sympathize with the other woman and youve prooved that u have one.

  30. Not going to lie, this one is tough for me. I was very ill when my husband left me for the "other woman." While the intent may not be to destroy relationships between husbands and wives, parents and children, these effects are often exactly what takes place. Much soul searching is needed to determine the extent of accountability we accept. My husband was the married one. If he wanted out to pursue another relationship, he should have left first. He could do the same to his former mistress/now wife. My prayers are with you. You are brave to put this out here! xo

  31. Corrine RodriguesApril 6, 2011 at 12:15 AM

    Alpana - You've expressed yourself so well here. And I know many of us are jumping to conclusions and giving you unsolicited advice perhaps.I've gone way past what's right or wrong from society's point of view. But I would be more than a little concerned for all three people in such a situation. The 'other' woman - because perhaps she's cheating herself out of other relationships and more importantly she's 'settling' with not getting her due - and I don't mean marriage. The wife - who probably knows instinctively that her husband is not 'there' in the marriage. And the husband too who has no business to stay in a marriage if he feels it isn't working. I know it's all very easy for me to say. But having been single for years, I often found myself 'settling' for guys who were not completely 'available'. No they were not married but emotionally unavailable. And I wouldn't want that to happen to any other person. Hugssssss!

  32. Every now and again you come across an awesome piece of writing. When its so emotive, and brings a deep understanding you know you have read something brilliant. I sit back in admiration. You have surpassed yourself here.

  33. Great post! You are the inspiration in writing an article.

  34. Great...someone needed to say it. It irks me no end when the man appears to be painted white as lilly. In any relation both are as guilty OR as NOT guilty...its time society stopped over reacting to extra marital affairs & treat it like another problem. ..or maybe analyse it more rationally instead of putting stigma on one person.

  35. Lucille Ball said "I'd rather regret something I did than regret something I didn't do." I donno if I will regret this or not dear friend, but I am truly enjoying it and happy with it. Sometimes there is a method to the madness called Life... (or Love). As long as one is true to one's own self... that's all that really matters. I love you very much and am sure you know that!!

  36. Hi Aplana, a great perspective on the "other" woman. When my husband left me for a school girl after 10 years of marriage I never blamed her. I blamed him. Like you say she is not a bad person but has since turned into one especially where my children are concerned. So in a way I have mixed emotions reading this.

    Great post! Hugs!!!!

  37. very nicely done....
    though i neither have my sympathy with woman who have this sort of relation nor do i just hate them or blame for what they do.....i never ever try to be judgmental in this issue....what i say is if it is wrong, it should be wrong for Men too..and he should also get all slaps what these women gets from society but unfortunately men come out so clean of it....


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