Sometimes the blues are just a passing bird

This one is for you, Abhi....Thank you for everything.
Do you ever have one of those days when you're feeling depressed for no reason at all? Have you ever heard the saying, "Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone"? That is exactly how it feels when you are sad or depressed. It is as though there is nobody around to help you get away from the blues. It might be the season, the time of the month, dynamics with your family or just because life isn't going your way. There are some ways to get relief, without the side effects of medicines, but who wants to get addicted to them.

Signs of feeling blue…. anxiety, irritability, physical aches and pains, insomnia "empty" moods, pessimism, helplessness, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, headaches, persistent digestive disorders, chronic pain that won't go away, appetite changes, decreased energy, oversleeping and thoughts of suicide. 

Why am I in the dumps? How come I feel blue? I'm depressed, not in the clinical sense, but in the everyday usage of the word; you know, I'm experiencing "the blahs." Why is this happening? After asking so many questions, it's only fitting that I provide some answers. So, I'll explain why I and others feel blue, why it's an important subject. No wonder I'm feeling blue, life is a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs. Do you like to go on roller coaster rides? It can be expensive, especially when you're treating the whole family. No one likes to part with their hard earned cash. It can be a painful experience to do so. Yet, isn't it worth the price of admission? Well, guess what? Life is an amusement park and pain and suffering are the price of admission. Is it worth the price? Besides, once we realize the challenges we face are the tools which make us better and stronger, we can suffer without suffering. That is, in our suffering we can be at peace instead of in anguish.

As Henry Ward Beecher wrote, "Affliction comes to us, not to make us sad but sober; not to make us sorry but wise."

Carl Jung adds, "Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."

I know it may sound easy to say, but in reality....ask the very person who is in this frame of mind. As for me, I don't know what is wrong with me, whether it is a mental or physical disease or what! I think they are due more to the lack of sleep I'm getting. I am really tired but just don't seem to be able to sleep right through the night. I have also started to cry for no, or for really pathetic reasons. Last time I cried I found my self just flinging myself against the walls just to let this anger out of me. I don't feel like eating at all. I have no drive to do anything and I just feel low. I can’t shake this feeling even though I know logically, I shouldn’t be feeling it. I have many friends, a caring and supportive family, everyone seems to like me (I’ve been described as very happy-go-lucky at times) when they get to know me, and (though a few years ago I didn’t) I am mostly happy with who I am and the direction my life is heading. And yet, I still feel like no-one thinks like me. I can’t relate to anyone, or make any real personal connection with anyone (although many would say they feel they have with me). I can’t shake this feeling.

I’ve pretty much felt this way long time. But since I’ve become independent, the feeling has stayed with me…..and it’s just not going….and I thought it would. Pretty much everything that I’ve been unhappy with in my life I have, are fixed. I’ve gone down some bad paths in the past, but have fixed that as well. My mindset and philosophies on life are quite positive now and through that I am able to deal with the feeling it gives me. But I can’t shake this feeling. I’m not asking for a cure, I’ve pretty much accepted that it’s probably never going to go away, and I have accepted it as part of me. Although, there are people who are much worse off and more unfortunate, but at this moment I dislike everything about my life.

I feel alone all day everyday, from morning to night. I really don't have anyone to talk to. It's hard to keep feelings bottled up inside of you and pretend to be something you're not. I'm tired of pretending to be happy…. I'm tired of trying to find excuses why I like to be on my own. And I’m so freaking tired of answering questions, for which I too don’t have any answers. There is not a moment when I'm not thinking twice about what I'm saying, what I'm doing, the way I walk, the way I talk....etc. And it exhausting, mentally and also physically. It used to be hard, now it's depressing. Everything mounts up and it weighs heavy on my heart. It's actually harder for me to breathe now because of all that stuff that's inside. And here's the thing, I know I have lost so many opportunities in my life, and as if that's not hard enough, I know for sure that I can’t just have them back in my life…it is like asking God a bit too much now.


You know what I want? A fresh start…. I want to start from scratch and make new friends and introduce my self as ME instead of this......actor. I hope that's not too far away. But I am also the kind of person who doesn't let go of her past so easily. So I don't know how that's going to work out, but I have to take the risk, its worse not taking it. 

I'm really looking forward to meeting you all….my new friends, who have been a positive influence in my life….and are still trying…I am trying also…many of you have noticed the change….but wounds take time to heal….and that’s what I don’t have….I have so many things to do…. Or else, time will leave me behind.

I just wanted to know if anyone out there feels the same. Is this something everyone feels to some degree? Or is there something inherently wrong with me?

Life doesn't end today and doesn’t start tomorrow; each minute of stress is a wasted time that's why I wish a little madness and a little imagination so that I can see life better than usual.

Copyright @Motifs2010

Labels: blues, low, alone, feelings, unhappy

Pictures: Courtesy Google Images

Title: Courtesy Hansika Sahu